Dreams in Vanilla Skies

I used to want to be a white girl
On my knees at night,
praying for god to make my skin match my mom's high yellow complection
at the very least,
I was tired of being the familys black sheep,
something like a beast by crushes/in the school yard
girls making fun of me,
confused as to how and why my ass was so stuck out.
I once sang whitney houston's I will always love you to a boy I liked,
and despite
the silky smooth melodic tones relaying my affection,
he wouuldn't even glance in my direction,
it was then
That I decided at 10,
I needed to be a white girl.
So I too could be like the california dream girl next door,
not the oreo kunta kente in a mask with skin of mahogany or ebony
depending on the month.
subjected myself to torturous tactics overcoming curly-kinky hair transitions to smoothed out mane.
Spend the day shaking it like Beyonce
it didn't help to be well educated when no one listened to you speak,
muffling your presence with their snickers & laughter,
back then it was approval I was after, because no one ever told me I was beautiful.
dads foot had been on the gas since age 2,
and mama taught me to become a lady i'd have to straighten up and walk right.
But when you're a kid and don't know what you did wrong
its hard to hold your head up high.
Except to look towards the sky and ask god why
he didn't make me a white girl.
With perfect hair thats down to there, that doesn't snap a combs teeth.
why my waist.is a size 2 but hips are a size 6.
Why I am the fantasy but not the.reality of my love interests.
Why was i cursed like this?
It would take 8 years,
6 lovers,
4 years of sports &
2 eating
disorders
To find the answer in the arms of a love that reflected my insecurities as perfection
assured me that there is nothing wrong with a curve to your backside,
A sway to your hips,
kink in your hair
and plump to your lips.
And I been in love with my body ever since
Needless to say
I no longer pray to be a white.girl Because.when I  think about.it, having it naturally is better than becomming a science experiment.

Love & Light,
Joi Sanchez
visual & performance artist
www.jsanschez.wordpress.com