Texas Hold Em'

On some days
I sit by her side when shes got stars in her eyes wishing for you to come around
some days, you're all she thinks about
combining past experience with present circumstance
but it leaves the psyche confused
and the libido a little less then amused
when  you're in her thoughts rotation.

And it isn't fair how you taunt her with your butterfly wings,
they shine in your eyes when you smile,
she says, she is always trying to make you smile
she would tickle you, if you didn't hate it
but she is mesmerized  by your fire, no matter the tone
she says your voice seduces her from across the room
it bellows...
           inside of her..
it echoes..
           in her darkness,
each vibration, a crack in her defenses
and i'm sure she would lay down her arms,
if you set down yours
if you'd let go of the memory
the mistakes made in a transitional state
when her life was heavy
she was still learning to carry the weight
and along you came
at a meteoric rate
seemingly uninterested in anything  else but self
 seeming to be jumping from one relationship into the next and she couldn't get down like that
back then

ok
yes
     i know
it wasn't that much time ago
 but it was time enough for her to earn a little extra and get her shit together
so she'd have real time for you and not that bullshit that you accepted
she just wanted to be able to treat you better
but you took it as an insult, to say it was all her fault, thats more of a cop out
cause if you wanted to see her
                              wouldn't you have gone with her?
taken her home, not sent her out drunken with some folks she really didn't know?
not that anything happened
but it just so happens that you never ever asked her if she knew them
 i don't mean to throw salt on a wound but
its just something you should consider,
personal responsibility in the choices we make
go a long way to shaping the perception of others
but she doesn't seem to want any others
she just wants to be with you
I think she's confused, she says,
(her) heart is begging for answers
but  (i) brain doesn't have a clue        what to tell her                            
                       when                                                          she says
her  third eye's vision is clouded
 when its gaze lands on you
cause
this camaraderie is so damn comfortable yet the nonchalance is
smothering
 she keeps being a friend when there's clearly more between you
you keep going along,  all business as usual, and i'm sure you know exactly what you do when you do what you doin
whatever it is,
please for  "my friend's" sake
either go all in
or step away from the table.

Happy Mother's Day (from the married lesbian in the room)

I can officially say happy mother's day to every woman i know, myself, and my ancestors. this weekend has been the best mother' s day of my existence so far.
last night i spent the evening back in wow for the first time in 3 months. staffing & photographing a burlesque women who run with wolves by brown girls burlesque. sitting in a virtual sexy stew of drunken queer girls. being welcomed back with open arms and genuine love. afterwards, conversations with a goddess. thankfully my battery carried me home, music drowning out the jackals lurking in harlem shadows, cat calling from a far. alone, worked up, and  without mechanics; i masturbated for real for the first time in ever. i let go of myself with myself and was blown away at the results. if i can make myself feel that sexually, i can't wait to see what i can do in every other aspect of my life if i let myself go. unlatch the picket fence between propriety and reality and just live. do nothing more than breath and be. last night was like when you close your eyes and twirl in the afternoon sun on a spring day. perfect bliss. laying in a gaggle giggling at  the foolishness of the task, simultaneously relishing the joy. who wouldn't want to live a feeling like that everyday? i know i do.
tonight, i watched the same show in a new light. a different energy. joined by my husband,  after the performance of my best friend. her husband also watching. i staffed but wasn't needed, so we went to a late dinner at dojo. one of the last surviving throwback dive(ish) restaurant/bars down by nyu. it was the first double date of my life that i can remember since high school. and maybe not even then, the point is that i had a great time. for hours we sat and talked, and laughed until we cried. shared points of view. talked politics. took some pictures and laughed some more. my husband walked me back to my place, i'll call it home because its one of the few places i've ever felt secure. safe. anyway my knight, held my hand to the door. we stood in the nights amber glow and kissed forever. in a way that made me never want to let go yet not go any further than the innocence of the kiss.
i don't know what tomorrow holds but i have a plan to loosely stick to that will not change. i'm spending the day with my kids, mainly my son. he needs me like i need him. we need each other to remember how much we love each other. even if it means we sit and cry together, like we did this afternoon. maybe it means teaching him how to use (and not damage) my new canon rebel digital beast of a camera. maybe it means running and giggling with his little sister. whatever it is,  i'm giving my day to him tomorrow. he"ll get all of me how ever he wants to do whatever he wants. no make up, no fancy shirts, no (well close to no) phone.

this has been the best mother's day ever because this weekend showed me exactly how my life could be. complete. accepting of my male & female energy. without conflict once there are no longer lies & distortions. when you live your truth , you love it and it loves you back. ashe.

The Scribe

I have no more than these words to give
By no other means shall I live
For
I am a writer
A scribe of the inspired
Speaker of my truth for the seekers of the root
I write instead of run
Because the breath that fills my lungs never lasted longer than the ink on my paper
I write as prayer
To show gratitude for the gifts I've been given
As sacrifice
I bare my soul on parchment
I spread open my chest on stage
For I am not the architect just a conduit of my ancestry's hopes
I hope I live up to the expectation
I used to try to write inspirational intellectual culturally aware pieces
Things that would uplift & educate
Till I was left to hold the weight
I then decided, maybe I should wait
Let inspiration have its way with me
before committing to more than
just my dreams

Fools in Love's Game

Foolishly
She sits in wait
For time to pass
For scenes to change
For leaves to grow
For spring to come
For her heart to bloom
She sits in wait
Foolishly
SHe turns the hands of time
SHe changes the channel
SHe trims the trees and pulls the weeds
Waiting for spring to come
SHe works endlessly
Foolishly
For fools in love never tire of their game
She waits
SHe works
They laugh
They love
Foolishly
They love
-End-

Little King Letters (revised)

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
At how fast you've grown
At how much you know
At How fast you go
And at How fast you came
At first I wasn't ready for you ,
 I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
 I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
Forever
Forever and a day
And its a school night
Damn
You're in school
Education
The first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook
you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
You are a warrior
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Like your mother
A dreamer
She Looks to the clouds
Son, come lay with me
Let's look for animals in the sky
And make up stories..
Cause are a creator
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Making your way in this world
Take heed to the signs
Because they won't always point you in the right direction
Listen
to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember
you don't know everything

It takes time to learn even the simple things
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
To love yourself
To fall in love with a person who knows their worth lies between their ears and not between their legs
I pray you find a willing love
not one that will make you beg,
break your heart,
Please baby
don't break your leg
With your speed
I need you to slow down
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.

Ode' to my Love

My love is forcing me to leave
she said to me today
that nothing lasts forever
i best be on my way
those fields of dreams
are calling
calling out my name
they said to her I'm finished
I can no longer stay
i'll miss your darling twilight
the way the moonlight plays
on your fields of dreams
i once believed
i'd conquer her someday
but now i cannot say
i have to go away
maybe i'll be back someday
yes i will come back some day
promise me you'll stay the same?

She

she was once a dreamer
a dancer
she moved with the winds of change
evolving and twisting in sun's rays
speaking symphonic in melodic phrase
she brought the spring with her
the room reserves her jasmin scent
upon her exit
into 16 degrees
she took the spring with her

if

if only i could sleep in the night sky
i'd lay my body on a clould
float by
drift soundly into the land of dreams