Texas Hold Em'

On some days
I sit by her side when shes got stars in her eyes wishing for you to come around
some days, you're all she thinks about
combining past experience with present circumstance
but it leaves the psyche confused
and the libido a little less then amused
when  you're in her thoughts rotation.

And it isn't fair how you taunt her with your butterfly wings,
they shine in your eyes when you smile,
she says, she is always trying to make you smile
she would tickle you, if you didn't hate it
but she is mesmerized  by your fire, no matter the tone
she says your voice seduces her from across the room
it bellows...
           inside of her..
it echoes..
           in her darkness,
each vibration, a crack in her defenses
and i'm sure she would lay down her arms,
if you set down yours
if you'd let go of the memory
the mistakes made in a transitional state
when her life was heavy
she was still learning to carry the weight
and along you came
at a meteoric rate
seemingly uninterested in anything  else but self
 seeming to be jumping from one relationship into the next and she couldn't get down like that
back then

ok
yes
     i know
it wasn't that much time ago
 but it was time enough for her to earn a little extra and get her shit together
so she'd have real time for you and not that bullshit that you accepted
she just wanted to be able to treat you better
but you took it as an insult, to say it was all her fault, thats more of a cop out
cause if you wanted to see her
                              wouldn't you have gone with her?
taken her home, not sent her out drunken with some folks she really didn't know?
not that anything happened
but it just so happens that you never ever asked her if she knew them
 i don't mean to throw salt on a wound but
its just something you should consider,
personal responsibility in the choices we make
go a long way to shaping the perception of others
but she doesn't seem to want any others
she just wants to be with you
I think she's confused, she says,
(her) heart is begging for answers
but  (i) brain doesn't have a clue        what to tell her                            
                       when                                                          she says
her  third eye's vision is clouded
 when its gaze lands on you
cause
this camaraderie is so damn comfortable yet the nonchalance is
smothering
 she keeps being a friend when there's clearly more between you
you keep going along,  all business as usual, and i'm sure you know exactly what you do when you do what you doin
whatever it is,
please for  "my friend's" sake
either go all in
or step away from the table.

Happy Mother's Day (from the married lesbian in the room)

I can officially say happy mother's day to every woman i know, myself, and my ancestors. this weekend has been the best mother' s day of my existence so far.
last night i spent the evening back in wow for the first time in 3 months. staffing & photographing a burlesque women who run with wolves by brown girls burlesque. sitting in a virtual sexy stew of drunken queer girls. being welcomed back with open arms and genuine love. afterwards, conversations with a goddess. thankfully my battery carried me home, music drowning out the jackals lurking in harlem shadows, cat calling from a far. alone, worked up, and  without mechanics; i masturbated for real for the first time in ever. i let go of myself with myself and was blown away at the results. if i can make myself feel that sexually, i can't wait to see what i can do in every other aspect of my life if i let myself go. unlatch the picket fence between propriety and reality and just live. do nothing more than breath and be. last night was like when you close your eyes and twirl in the afternoon sun on a spring day. perfect bliss. laying in a gaggle giggling at  the foolishness of the task, simultaneously relishing the joy. who wouldn't want to live a feeling like that everyday? i know i do.
tonight, i watched the same show in a new light. a different energy. joined by my husband,  after the performance of my best friend. her husband also watching. i staffed but wasn't needed, so we went to a late dinner at dojo. one of the last surviving throwback dive(ish) restaurant/bars down by nyu. it was the first double date of my life that i can remember since high school. and maybe not even then, the point is that i had a great time. for hours we sat and talked, and laughed until we cried. shared points of view. talked politics. took some pictures and laughed some more. my husband walked me back to my place, i'll call it home because its one of the few places i've ever felt secure. safe. anyway my knight, held my hand to the door. we stood in the nights amber glow and kissed forever. in a way that made me never want to let go yet not go any further than the innocence of the kiss.
i don't know what tomorrow holds but i have a plan to loosely stick to that will not change. i'm spending the day with my kids, mainly my son. he needs me like i need him. we need each other to remember how much we love each other. even if it means we sit and cry together, like we did this afternoon. maybe it means teaching him how to use (and not damage) my new canon rebel digital beast of a camera. maybe it means running and giggling with his little sister. whatever it is,  i'm giving my day to him tomorrow. he"ll get all of me how ever he wants to do whatever he wants. no make up, no fancy shirts, no (well close to no) phone.

this has been the best mother's day ever because this weekend showed me exactly how my life could be. complete. accepting of my male & female energy. without conflict once there are no longer lies & distortions. when you live your truth , you love it and it loves you back. ashe.