Texas Hold Em'

On some days
I sit by her side when shes got stars in her eyes wishing for you to come around
some days, you're all she thinks about
combining past experience with present circumstance
but it leaves the psyche confused
and the libido a little less then amused
when  you're in her thoughts rotation.

And it isn't fair how you taunt her with your butterfly wings,
they shine in your eyes when you smile,
she says, she is always trying to make you smile
she would tickle you, if you didn't hate it
but she is mesmerized  by your fire, no matter the tone
she says your voice seduces her from across the room
it bellows...
           inside of her..
it echoes..
           in her darkness,
each vibration, a crack in her defenses
and i'm sure she would lay down her arms,
if you set down yours
if you'd let go of the memory
the mistakes made in a transitional state
when her life was heavy
she was still learning to carry the weight
and along you came
at a meteoric rate
seemingly uninterested in anything  else but self
 seeming to be jumping from one relationship into the next and she couldn't get down like that
back then

ok
yes
     i know
it wasn't that much time ago
 but it was time enough for her to earn a little extra and get her shit together
so she'd have real time for you and not that bullshit that you accepted
she just wanted to be able to treat you better
but you took it as an insult, to say it was all her fault, thats more of a cop out
cause if you wanted to see her
                              wouldn't you have gone with her?
taken her home, not sent her out drunken with some folks she really didn't know?
not that anything happened
but it just so happens that you never ever asked her if she knew them
 i don't mean to throw salt on a wound but
its just something you should consider,
personal responsibility in the choices we make
go a long way to shaping the perception of others
but she doesn't seem to want any others
she just wants to be with you
I think she's confused, she says,
(her) heart is begging for answers
but  (i) brain doesn't have a clue        what to tell her                            
                       when                                                          she says
her  third eye's vision is clouded
 when its gaze lands on you
cause
this camaraderie is so damn comfortable yet the nonchalance is
smothering
 she keeps being a friend when there's clearly more between you
you keep going along,  all business as usual, and i'm sure you know exactly what you do when you do what you doin
whatever it is,
please for  "my friend's" sake
either go all in
or step away from the table.

In Memory

She
brown skinned
stocky
joy filled
exuded all that you'd expect from a lady
and then some

she
educated and educator
taught me lessons of womanhood
my child mind wasn't ready to absorb
yet
still she tried with me
took her time relaying lessons
of her experience

like
how to be a brown woman
with class
like how to check my smart mouth
how to hope
 and to remember that one day
i too will be old
and wise

like she
not of my blood
yet bound to my soul
and memory
on this day i sit in silence
remembering
let the skies spread the emptiness i still feel with her loss
on this day of her birth

i hope i have made her proud
i hope she watches me
with the same smile that greeted me like the dawn.
i hope she has found her love
& her family

i hold her hope in my heart
mingled with memories that will never fade
she remains
the best part of me
that i give away
because she of what she gave to me

There, their, they're...

Its a beautiful thing,
black love
Because they're love
They connected their souls
The god body within,
created perfection
in the image of their love.
Yet in the eyes of their love
there was/is pain,
there are/were regrets,
there were/are obstacles,
and theirs is full of trials,
to their triumphs,
there were times of joys,
Days where their elaborate patterns of speech and dance,
Had them lost in the turns, tricks & dips
of their loves dance
there was a seduction,
in their love
there was/is a solace,
a peace
an at home feeling in their love cause
there love is home
even in their divided homes,
there is celebration,
there is gratitude,
there is a shoulder to lean on,
until there isn't a leg to stand on and
All that comes out is the anger
in their words ,
there is fury.
And sometimes there are blows,
to pride,
to hearts,
to egos
To mines
and to faces
from hands that once held that face to their face and softly whispered "I love you"
and they did,
even when they loved rough,
Their love was intense
cause their love is/was/is tough,
to be in
When there comes a point
where their love is not enough
or
their love becomes just too much
for their love to handle.
-j sans chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Happy Mother's Day (from the married lesbian in the room)

I can officially say happy mother's day to every woman i know, myself, and my ancestors. this weekend has been the best mother' s day of my existence so far.
last night i spent the evening back in wow for the first time in 3 months. staffing & photographing a burlesque women who run with wolves by brown girls burlesque. sitting in a virtual sexy stew of drunken queer girls. being welcomed back with open arms and genuine love. afterwards, conversations with a goddess. thankfully my battery carried me home, music drowning out the jackals lurking in harlem shadows, cat calling from a far. alone, worked up, and  without mechanics; i masturbated for real for the first time in ever. i let go of myself with myself and was blown away at the results. if i can make myself feel that sexually, i can't wait to see what i can do in every other aspect of my life if i let myself go. unlatch the picket fence between propriety and reality and just live. do nothing more than breath and be. last night was like when you close your eyes and twirl in the afternoon sun on a spring day. perfect bliss. laying in a gaggle giggling at  the foolishness of the task, simultaneously relishing the joy. who wouldn't want to live a feeling like that everyday? i know i do.
tonight, i watched the same show in a new light. a different energy. joined by my husband,  after the performance of my best friend. her husband also watching. i staffed but wasn't needed, so we went to a late dinner at dojo. one of the last surviving throwback dive(ish) restaurant/bars down by nyu. it was the first double date of my life that i can remember since high school. and maybe not even then, the point is that i had a great time. for hours we sat and talked, and laughed until we cried. shared points of view. talked politics. took some pictures and laughed some more. my husband walked me back to my place, i'll call it home because its one of the few places i've ever felt secure. safe. anyway my knight, held my hand to the door. we stood in the nights amber glow and kissed forever. in a way that made me never want to let go yet not go any further than the innocence of the kiss.
i don't know what tomorrow holds but i have a plan to loosely stick to that will not change. i'm spending the day with my kids, mainly my son. he needs me like i need him. we need each other to remember how much we love each other. even if it means we sit and cry together, like we did this afternoon. maybe it means teaching him how to use (and not damage) my new canon rebel digital beast of a camera. maybe it means running and giggling with his little sister. whatever it is,  i'm giving my day to him tomorrow. he"ll get all of me how ever he wants to do whatever he wants. no make up, no fancy shirts, no (well close to no) phone.

this has been the best mother's day ever because this weekend showed me exactly how my life could be. complete. accepting of my male & female energy. without conflict once there are no longer lies & distortions. when you live your truth , you love it and it loves you back. ashe.

Caught Up in Love's Game

She speaks of love as if it is a game,
something to be played
kept boxed up on a shelf,
after the players have gone away
far away from wanting hearts and wavering minds
like closeness is irrelevent in the development of
something more than physical
i hate her
hate her eyes
the way they stare like lasers burning holes into me
hate that when i look into them,
i let her soul lock onto mine
and carry me away like leave in the fall breeze
My mind becomes a porch
swept clean of previous clutter, empty like her heart
just peace and tranquility fills the space just previously occupied by my love
i hate that when her fragile arms cluch me in their embrace i feel secure in this crazy world
suddenly assured that the woman i am today
is the woman she'll love forever
i hate her smooth melodic voice bringing
deliciously harsh kicks to my pride.
knocking my ego down to just the right size
the nook right below her head
leaving me tall enough to be her stoic empress
yet short enough to snuggle the nape of her neck
where i can inhale her sweet essence
i hate that smell
the one that emenates from her
resonates in me like pine trees on christmas
this scent intoxicates my being and i am filled with love
losing all reason
forgetting that i hate her mind
and her super powers
like her ability to convince me to be my better self with her & for her
and how she pushes me foreward
by keeping me from looking back
I hate the caress of her chocolate skin and full juicy lips
quenching the thirst of which i was unaware i even had.

Fools in Love's Game

Foolishly
She sits in wait
For time to pass
For scenes to change
For leaves to grow
For spring to come
For her heart to bloom
She sits in wait
Foolishly
SHe turns the hands of time
SHe changes the channel
SHe trims the trees and pulls the weeds
Waiting for spring to come
SHe works endlessly
Foolishly
For fools in love never tire of their game
She waits
SHe works
They laugh
They love
Foolishly
They love
-End-

Little King Letters (revised)

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
At how fast you've grown
At how much you know
At How fast you go
And at How fast you came
At first I wasn't ready for you ,
 I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
 I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
Forever
Forever and a day
And its a school night
Damn
You're in school
Education
The first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook
you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
You are a warrior
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Like your mother
A dreamer
She Looks to the clouds
Son, come lay with me
Let's look for animals in the sky
And make up stories..
Cause are a creator
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Making your way in this world
Take heed to the signs
Because they won't always point you in the right direction
Listen
to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember
you don't know everything

It takes time to learn even the simple things
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
To love yourself
To fall in love with a person who knows their worth lies between their ears and not between their legs
I pray you find a willing love
not one that will make you beg,
break your heart,
Please baby
don't break your leg
With your speed
I need you to slow down
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.

01 09 12

listen closely children
and you shall hear a tale
listen closely children
listen to the wail


outside sits clear blue skies
brisk winter wind
whips against your face
as i sail through the afternoon
numb
cold
i came outside to feel comfortable
my heart was freezing me from the inside
outside the only place i feel comfortable
like myself
awake
alive
but here in this warm house we're going up in smoke
his fire
my ice
steam and smoke
smoke and mirrors of no reflection
metaphorical vampires
sucking each other dry

Leaving on a Jet Plane

My love is forcing me to leave
she said to me today
that nothing lasts forever
i best be on my way
those fields of dreams
are calling
calling out my name
they said to her I'm finished
finished
so go away
a far off land is calling my name
things will never be the same
then again they never are
always changing
shifting
theis change, she said was a gift
for me
but for me
it is agony
the extended absence
makes my heart weep
for her i'd do anything
this city that never sleeps

Ode' to my Love

My love is forcing me to leave
she said to me today
that nothing lasts forever
i best be on my way
those fields of dreams
are calling
calling out my name
they said to her I'm finished
I can no longer stay
i'll miss your darling twilight
the way the moonlight plays
on your fields of dreams
i once believed
i'd conquer her someday
but now i cannot say
i have to go away
maybe i'll be back someday
yes i will come back some day
promise me you'll stay the same?

Two Eggs, Two slices of Bread, & a cup of Orange Juice

$4
It.was all I had left to live off
But I gave it
Gladly
To family
To let her know I appreciate her
Let her know she is
Not taken for granted
That she is family
And as such
I gave her my last
All I had
So she knows she never has to ask
She knows
That if the tables were turned
I would gladly open my home
She knows
There its nothing off limits
No limitations to the love I offer
Any aids she needs
Its here
Anytime
She is in need.
Even if it means
That I dont eat
That day.

Saturday

it gets easier
or so I am told
To wake up alone
Not knowing
Love

Like Mother, Like Daughter

We left in tears
To arrive
To the same
It's a wonder how
We mirror each other
32 years
& 3000 miles apart.

She stops my tears

Her tears
Happen spontaneously
Daily
Almost like a ritual
A random ritual of my causing
A reminder of my fault
I try to give her my strength
My shoulder
My heart accepts blame that my ego cannot deny
So I allow her to cry
Accept her guilt ridden "i love you"s
When she's caught doing wrong
As much as I hate it
I continue to let her go on
As she wants
As she needs
I allow her to lead me
Out of near insanity.
Because she is what I need
To remain strong.
To stay together
Together we walk hand in hand
We lay
He head in my shoulder
Nestled in the nook of my neck
I hold her like its the last day
Each night
Until she feels safe
And it is okay
For me to let go.

Catching Fireflies with Tongues

It is said that every kiss is a wish
But when
every wish made has its consequence
I shall never wish again
Not to say I will never kiss again
Just no longer will I close my eyes so tight
No longer will my hearts whisper
Take flight
The angels may pass
In silent delight
Bask in the evervesence
I dwell in a reality based in dream
I sing the lullabuy
Of futures unseen
With my eyes closed tight
I cast my net into the stream
Here on a dock
the night sky shines down on me
Listen to the wind sing
Watch the moon's glow
See a dream fade
Faster than a rainbow
Wish I may
Wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight
May it be my last
Off lips take flight
a lovers heart beats
Silent in sight

4 am in Vegas

I doze off for what seems to be a moment
But proves to be hours
to find her curled up in my lap
And i don't mind
At all