In Memory

She
brown skinned
stocky
joy filled
exuded all that you'd expect from a lady
and then some

she
educated and educator
taught me lessons of womanhood
my child mind wasn't ready to absorb
yet
still she tried with me
took her time relaying lessons
of her experience

like
how to be a brown woman
with class
like how to check my smart mouth
how to hope
 and to remember that one day
i too will be old
and wise

like she
not of my blood
yet bound to my soul
and memory
on this day i sit in silence
remembering
let the skies spread the emptiness i still feel with her loss
on this day of her birth

i hope i have made her proud
i hope she watches me
with the same smile that greeted me like the dawn.
i hope she has found her love
& her family

i hold her hope in my heart
mingled with memories that will never fade
she remains
the best part of me
that i give away
because she of what she gave to me

There, their, they're...

Its a beautiful thing,
black love
Because they're love
They connected their souls
The god body within,
created perfection
in the image of their love.
Yet in the eyes of their love
there was/is pain,
there are/were regrets,
there were/are obstacles,
and theirs is full of trials,
to their triumphs,
there were times of joys,
Days where their elaborate patterns of speech and dance,
Had them lost in the turns, tricks & dips
of their loves dance
there was a seduction,
in their love
there was/is a solace,
a peace
an at home feeling in their love cause
there love is home
even in their divided homes,
there is celebration,
there is gratitude,
there is a shoulder to lean on,
until there isn't a leg to stand on and
All that comes out is the anger
in their words ,
there is fury.
And sometimes there are blows,
to pride,
to hearts,
to egos
To mines
and to faces
from hands that once held that face to their face and softly whispered "I love you"
and they did,
even when they loved rough,
Their love was intense
cause their love is/was/is tough,
to be in
When there comes a point
where their love is not enough
or
their love becomes just too much
for their love to handle.
-j sans chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Happy Mother's Day (from the married lesbian in the room)

I can officially say happy mother's day to every woman i know, myself, and my ancestors. this weekend has been the best mother' s day of my existence so far.
last night i spent the evening back in wow for the first time in 3 months. staffing & photographing a burlesque women who run with wolves by brown girls burlesque. sitting in a virtual sexy stew of drunken queer girls. being welcomed back with open arms and genuine love. afterwards, conversations with a goddess. thankfully my battery carried me home, music drowning out the jackals lurking in harlem shadows, cat calling from a far. alone, worked up, and  without mechanics; i masturbated for real for the first time in ever. i let go of myself with myself and was blown away at the results. if i can make myself feel that sexually, i can't wait to see what i can do in every other aspect of my life if i let myself go. unlatch the picket fence between propriety and reality and just live. do nothing more than breath and be. last night was like when you close your eyes and twirl in the afternoon sun on a spring day. perfect bliss. laying in a gaggle giggling at  the foolishness of the task, simultaneously relishing the joy. who wouldn't want to live a feeling like that everyday? i know i do.
tonight, i watched the same show in a new light. a different energy. joined by my husband,  after the performance of my best friend. her husband also watching. i staffed but wasn't needed, so we went to a late dinner at dojo. one of the last surviving throwback dive(ish) restaurant/bars down by nyu. it was the first double date of my life that i can remember since high school. and maybe not even then, the point is that i had a great time. for hours we sat and talked, and laughed until we cried. shared points of view. talked politics. took some pictures and laughed some more. my husband walked me back to my place, i'll call it home because its one of the few places i've ever felt secure. safe. anyway my knight, held my hand to the door. we stood in the nights amber glow and kissed forever. in a way that made me never want to let go yet not go any further than the innocence of the kiss.
i don't know what tomorrow holds but i have a plan to loosely stick to that will not change. i'm spending the day with my kids, mainly my son. he needs me like i need him. we need each other to remember how much we love each other. even if it means we sit and cry together, like we did this afternoon. maybe it means teaching him how to use (and not damage) my new canon rebel digital beast of a camera. maybe it means running and giggling with his little sister. whatever it is,  i'm giving my day to him tomorrow. he"ll get all of me how ever he wants to do whatever he wants. no make up, no fancy shirts, no (well close to no) phone.

this has been the best mother's day ever because this weekend showed me exactly how my life could be. complete. accepting of my male & female energy. without conflict once there are no longer lies & distortions. when you live your truth , you love it and it loves you back. ashe.

Searching For The Light

i often feel the tug of ancestral spirits calling me home to where i am safe
calling me
calling me
calling my name
they say come home again
woman love yourself

i sometimes feel the urge to sell everything i own
move to countries comprised of villages & villas
set against beach & mountains
sing the sirens sea call
and lay forever in that moment
if i could lay forever
if only i could lay forever
in that moment

i would

i would pack up my bag full of guilt, hate, frustrations,
throw my madness into the oceans abyss
say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye to all of it
just say goodbye

Little King Letters (revised)

Dearest son
My First born
My little king
I crowned you in the womb
I remember sitting up long nights while you kicked at my ribs and tickled my heart
Now 4 years later you stand half my height
And I'm shocked
At how fast you've grown
At how much you know
At How fast you go
And at How fast you came
At first I wasn't ready for you ,
 I am ready now
to share everything I know with you
 I must pace myself
For all I have is my heart
& these words for you
I know my love may overwhelm you at this young age
Because
All you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But I want to hold you in my arms the way I hold you in my heart
Forever
Forever and a day
And its a school night
Damn
You're in school
Education
The first step,
a small stone to the man you will one day be
And by hook or by crook
you will be a man
You will not be a grown boy
walking around these streets
jobless
pants sagging,
empty pockets,
empty mind,
yet full of hubris..
Not my son
forever hold your head high,
You are a warrior
stoic & strong
Like your ancestors
Like your mother
A dreamer
She Looks to the clouds
Son, come lay with me
Let's look for animals in the sky
And make up stories..
Cause are a creator
You who from your first steps moved fast & furiously through the world
Don't go to fast
Don't grow too fast
Making your way in this world
Take heed to the signs
Because they won't always point you in the right direction
Listen
to the wisdom of your father
You have his eyes,
his smile
his drive
His want to know everything
But always remember
you don't know everything

It takes time to learn even the simple things
And you will learn
To listen,
To be easy,
take your time
To love yourself
To fall in love with a person who knows their worth lies between their ears and not between their legs
I pray you find a willing love
not one that will make you beg,
break your heart,
Please baby
don't break your leg
With your speed
I need you to slow down
Don't go too fast
Don't grow too fast
Cause all you want to do is play
And I want you to play
But first come give mommy a hug
I want to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart,
Forever.

Two Eggs, Two slices of Bread, & a cup of Orange Juice

$4
It.was all I had left to live off
But I gave it
Gladly
To family
To let her know I appreciate her
Let her know she is
Not taken for granted
That she is family
And as such
I gave her my last
All I had
So she knows she never has to ask
She knows
That if the tables were turned
I would gladly open my home
She knows
There its nothing off limits
No limitations to the love I offer
Any aids she needs
Its here
Anytime
She is in need.
Even if it means
That I dont eat
That day.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

We left in tears
To arrive
To the same
It's a wonder how
We mirror each other
32 years
& 3000 miles apart.