There, their, they're...

Its a beautiful thing,
black love
Because they're love
They connected their souls
The god body within,
created perfection
in the image of their love.
Yet in the eyes of their love
there was/is pain,
there are/were regrets,
there were/are obstacles,
and theirs is full of trials,
to their triumphs,
there were times of joys,
Days where their elaborate patterns of speech and dance,
Had them lost in the turns, tricks & dips
of their loves dance
there was a seduction,
in their love
there was/is a solace,
a peace
an at home feeling in their love cause
there love is home
even in their divided homes,
there is celebration,
there is gratitude,
there is a shoulder to lean on,
until there isn't a leg to stand on and
All that comes out is the anger
in their words ,
there is fury.
And sometimes there are blows,
to pride,
to hearts,
to egos
To mines
and to faces
from hands that once held that face to their face and softly whispered "I love you"
and they did,
even when they loved rough,
Their love was intense
cause their love is/was/is tough,
to be in
When there comes a point
where their love is not enough
or
their love becomes just too much
for their love to handle.
-j sans chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Writers Block

i used to be afraid to write

in fear you would read my thoughts 

demanding explanation 

seeking answers to questions i can't answer anymore

but i realized that 

following that fear only paralyses my talents

constricts my need for expression 

punches holes in my soul 

and i refuse to be that helpless

at your hands,

never again

so keep on reading

love me till you hate me until you love me again

remain my loyal, standing ovation, number 1 fan

even if there is only one of you

my potential exceeds your demands

and

until you hold lit candles in your hands

in my remembrance

i will... nay i must 

dance as if no one is looking

sing as if you can't hear my off pitch tendencies

and write whatever the f*ck is inside of me

until my dying day.

-peace-

Dreams in Vanilla Skies

I used to want to be a white girl
On my knees at night,
praying for god to make my skin match my mom's high yellow complection
at the very least,
I was tired of being the familys black sheep,
something like a beast by crushes/in the school yard
girls making fun of me,
confused as to how and why my ass was so stuck out.
I once sang whitney houston's I will always love you to a boy I liked,
and despite
the silky smooth melodic tones relaying my affection,
he wouuldn't even glance in my direction,
it was then
That I decided at 10,
I needed to be a white girl.
So I too could be like the california dream girl next door,
not the oreo kunta kente in a mask with skin of mahogany or ebony
depending on the month.
subjected myself to torturous tactics overcoming curly-kinky hair transitions to smoothed out mane.
Spend the day shaking it like Beyonce
it didn't help to be well educated when no one listened to you speak,
muffling your presence with their snickers & laughter,
back then it was approval I was after, because no one ever told me I was beautiful.
dads foot had been on the gas since age 2,
and mama taught me to become a lady i'd have to straighten up and walk right.
But when you're a kid and don't know what you did wrong
its hard to hold your head up high.
Except to look towards the sky and ask god why
he didn't make me a white girl.
With perfect hair thats down to there, that doesn't snap a combs teeth.
why my waist.is a size 2 but hips are a size 6.
Why I am the fantasy but not the.reality of my love interests.
Why was i cursed like this?
It would take 8 years,
6 lovers,
4 years of sports &
2 eating
disorders
To find the answer in the arms of a love that reflected my insecurities as perfection
assured me that there is nothing wrong with a curve to your backside,
A sway to your hips,
kink in your hair
and plump to your lips.
And I been in love with my body ever since
Needless to say
I no longer pray to be a white.girl Because.when I  think about.it, having it naturally is better than becomming a science experiment.

Love & Light,
Joi Sanchez
visual & performance artist
www.jsanschez.wordpress.com

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" by Marianne Williamson.

allowances

Dear Mr. & Mrs. white America

you're gonna half to make an exception

in case you haven't noticed

i'm black

yes 

despite the well groomed exterior

and articulation of intelligent thought

this young woman

is black

and proud

and loud about it

because if i don't scream it from the roof tops every chance i get

you may just forget 

and try to tuck me away in a cubicle somewhere

giving a hard time to the "other darkies"

the ones "not like me"

you know the pants sagging, baby-mama havin',  always bragging they have some new new new sh*t, can't hold down a job, no more than a case number ni**as

the ones  you say i'm nothing like

but are ready to group me with because my afro draws more attention them my a** in a well tailored pants suit. 

so excuse me from the group

i get a pass

I am allowed to be angry

because being black comes with that privledge/right?

cause the world has done us so wrong for so long

and its been too long since we stood strong

and stood our ground

but when we do we get shot down

no ribbons in the skies for our loves or lives

just another sunset into sunrise

so it should be no surprise 

when the sh*t hits the fan

cause the revolution will NOT be televised

and it's already began.

-peace-

Written With Unexpressed Anger (Don't take it personal)

This is not what i wanted for our son

to see his mother withering & bruised at the hands of her love

Watching in wonder the destructive fury of our ignorance

unconsciously absorbing the cycle of violence into his internal systems

I wondered briefly if I will have created a monster

The type of man who hauls off on his woman

cause she said some sh*t he didn't like

a man like his father

This is not what I wanted for our daughter

for her to see her mother

as a victim

not even 5 months old

she laid with eyes wide open

crying the tears I refused to shed

for knowing better,

for feeling responsible, 

for allowing it to happen

for all the bullsh*t reasons you gave yourself to justify the wrong

I could not shed a tear

but she did.

This isn't what i wanted for you

the man I risked it all on was aware of the fragile heart he was given

held together with a patchwork of promises and pretty words

until there were none..

so yeah, I'll always pick a female over you,

Since that day I have chosen

and will continue 

to choose me

every single time.

because this isn't what I wanted but this is all i got.

 

Happy Mother's Day (from the married lesbian in the room)

I can officially say happy mother's day to every woman i know, myself, and my ancestors. this weekend has been the best mother' s day of my existence so far.
last night i spent the evening back in wow for the first time in 3 months. staffing & photographing a burlesque women who run with wolves by brown girls burlesque. sitting in a virtual sexy stew of drunken queer girls. being welcomed back with open arms and genuine love. afterwards, conversations with a goddess. thankfully my battery carried me home, music drowning out the jackals lurking in harlem shadows, cat calling from a far. alone, worked up, and  without mechanics; i masturbated for real for the first time in ever. i let go of myself with myself and was blown away at the results. if i can make myself feel that sexually, i can't wait to see what i can do in every other aspect of my life if i let myself go. unlatch the picket fence between propriety and reality and just live. do nothing more than breath and be. last night was like when you close your eyes and twirl in the afternoon sun on a spring day. perfect bliss. laying in a gaggle giggling at  the foolishness of the task, simultaneously relishing the joy. who wouldn't want to live a feeling like that everyday? i know i do.
tonight, i watched the same show in a new light. a different energy. joined by my husband,  after the performance of my best friend. her husband also watching. i staffed but wasn't needed, so we went to a late dinner at dojo. one of the last surviving throwback dive(ish) restaurant/bars down by nyu. it was the first double date of my life that i can remember since high school. and maybe not even then, the point is that i had a great time. for hours we sat and talked, and laughed until we cried. shared points of view. talked politics. took some pictures and laughed some more. my husband walked me back to my place, i'll call it home because its one of the few places i've ever felt secure. safe. anyway my knight, held my hand to the door. we stood in the nights amber glow and kissed forever. in a way that made me never want to let go yet not go any further than the innocence of the kiss.
i don't know what tomorrow holds but i have a plan to loosely stick to that will not change. i'm spending the day with my kids, mainly my son. he needs me like i need him. we need each other to remember how much we love each other. even if it means we sit and cry together, like we did this afternoon. maybe it means teaching him how to use (and not damage) my new canon rebel digital beast of a camera. maybe it means running and giggling with his little sister. whatever it is,  i'm giving my day to him tomorrow. he"ll get all of me how ever he wants to do whatever he wants. no make up, no fancy shirts, no (well close to no) phone.

this has been the best mother's day ever because this weekend showed me exactly how my life could be. complete. accepting of my male & female energy. without conflict once there are no longer lies & distortions. when you live your truth , you love it and it loves you back. ashe.